Meaningful conversations during the early courting days vanished after marriage. He hijacked my words, explained away my feelings, and redirected my preferences to accommodate his.

After a lifetime of observing God’s faithfulness and trustworthiness, I come before Him with shards of a life fractured by narcissism. I eagerly surrender these shards, my whole self, to Him because He has brought me from death to life.

Betrayal is devastating. The nature of narcissism involves multiple patterns of betrayal woven throughout the relationship.

The guidance that my narcissistic spouse interjected during those emotionally volatile teenage years often created a toxic undercurrent. However, I failed to intervene when I did not agree with his parenting style. I regret not addressing my concerns more often.

Two forces tussle in my mind: 1) the emotional demands of healing from the psychological wounding of a narcissistic relationship, and 2) the encroaching demands of assuming care-giving responsibilities for a family member.

My optimism faded, drained by long-term stress from my inability to please my narcissistic spouse. I ached for joy to rescue me, but, instead, I entered a season of deep grief. During that period of grieving, I was surprised to discover brief moments of joy breaking through in unexpected ways.   

my narcissist spouse failed to care about the muddied emotional water the children and I often drank—the aftermath of his narcissistic entitlement, his need for validation, and his search for narcissistic supply.

A mirage of a functioning family rather than something that truly existed. The dizzying images were only reflections of an emotionally numb woman robotically moving throughout the rooms of her home and the days of her life. Now creativity, spontaneity, and laughter now grace my days.

I stopped counting the times my heart splintered, emotionally fragmented by narcissistic wounding. Curling up under a fluffy blanket with Coco, my Chihuahua, I created a soft-landing place for my heart and for my tears.

I naively placed my trust in an untrustworthy narcissist. Seeking and failing to receive love, emotional support, and commitment from my narcissistic spouse shattered my false assumption.

Jesus provides multiple forms of sight, both physical blindness as well as blindness due to denial. Reflection allows me to identify when I failed to see as I navigated the rough terrain of a narcissistic relationship.

After setting new boundaries with my narcissistic ex., instead of feeling emotionally safe and confident in my newly-achieved self-care skills, I struggled with guilt. Rather than standing taller, I felt cruel. I was able to begin unraveling my internal confusion only after  I identified this emotional conflict as a “moral injury*”.

I have learned that healing from narcissistic abuse requires seeing clearly rather than applying religious concepts to deny increasingly painful realities. Truthfully acknowledging each new reality allows me to experience the comforting and compassionate presence of the Lord Jesus Christ, even amid the pain.

Why did I tolerate these God-dishonoring behaviors? Was I honoring the relationship above honoring God? Why did I compromise my values and silence my opinions? Turning over the housekeeping of my mind to God’s Holy Spirit to guide the process of decoding my experiences and clarifying truth requires courage.

During the following years of marriage, I experienced the reality of Jeremiah’s words, “The heart is deceitful above all things…” (Jeremiah 17:9). I resorted to multiple defense mechanisms for coping—denial, rationalization, deflection, and minimization.

The moon’s brilliance currently accompanies me through lonely and restless evenings as I await the sweet release of sleep. Full moons shine through an upper window reminding me, as in previous seasons of life, God will faithfully guide me through this unexpected new one.

“There is no need to be shocked by a cloaked narcissist. They are skilled at deception. I imagine there will be more encounters with such people in the future. Be kind to yourself and thankful for knowing how to emotionally regroup as quickly as you did.”

I remember asking a counselor about the possibility of “bulk grieving.” I wanted to list my losses, grieve them simultaneously, and get on with my life. I wilted at her reply, “Bulk grieving is not effective. You must grieve each loss separately.”

I wilted under the stifling defeat of attempting to effectively communicate with my narcissistic spouse. My confusion clouded my realization that friends only saw the fabricated image he presented.

my journey of recovery from a toxic narcissistic relationship consistently requires its own type of moral courage as I choose my words, evaluate my actions, and intentionally live with integrity.

Hope in God’s mercy offered the very thing I clung to during the increasing distress of my narcissistic relationship.

Ongoing contact with a narcissist produced toxic waste within me: dis-ease, false guilt, a sense of failure, distress over not measuring up, anxiety, and depression.

I felt helpless in knowing how to respond to the narcissist’s disdain and devaluing comments. His words and his emotional isolation amplified my feeling of powerlessness. Powerlessness eventually led me to despair.

I yearn for the same closure in my goodbye to the narcissist. Yet, I accept that closure with a narcissist is a gift they are incapable of giving.