My desperate heart sought God’s wisdom and direction as the mental fallout of life with a narcissist took its toll on my health, my energy, and my heart.

I struggled through restless nights interrupted by memories of my narcissistic spouse’s unpredictable actions and hurtful words. I eventually discovered that other survivors call these circular patterns of invasive thoughts rumination.

After decades of submitting to a narcissist’s control and assumed authority over my life, I lost confidence in expressing my preferences and my needs. I no longer trusted my heart nor my observations about the relationship.

I lacked in my relationship with my narcissist spouse, discretion. I lacked the common sense to recognize that something more than communication challenges afflicted the relationship. Because I lacked discretion, I continued to seek new communication strategies—even though each previous strategy had failed.

After the marriage, the shift occurred gradually as the fruit of his Christian life shriveled, one fruit at a time. Confusing narcissistic behaviors took their place; behaviors he refused to discuss with me.

I realize that I do have a specific focus for my life. I envision a joyful and productive life serving God and my family—not this painful work of healing from the vastating trauma of narcissistic wounds. God is redeeming my situation for His own purposes. He tenderly fine-tunes my heart through my crisis.

I had thanked God for other ways He worked within the shattering experience of a narcissistic relationship, but I had never thanked Him for my broken heart. My illusionary “happily ever after dream” did not fit His plan for drawing me deeper into intimate dependence.

I yearn for a predictable source of emotional presence and care. Expecting emotional presence and care from a narcissistic relationship, though, is like going to a spring during a summer drought.

I lacked words to explain why I had separated from my narcissistic spouse. Gradually, the Lord added words to my vocabulary, words that captured elusive concepts. I collected my growing vocabulary in Now I Get It as an attempt to capture what hurt. I also began to understand the wonderful gift God provided in language for communicating with others.

Just as I learned to stop fretting about the Koi, I am learning to stop worrying about finding my way forward. As I seek my heavenly Father’s guidance for provision and healing, He consistently surprises me with His perfect timing and His gracious provisions.

I realized that without seeking intentional cleansing, unresolved emotions of painful memories from a narcissistic relationship would accumulate and dirty my heart. God patiently offers me the same option He offered King David, to bring those moments to Him so He can renew a right spirit within me.

My narcissistic relationship generated shame for failure to measure up to my former husband’s expectations.

As I continue healing and growing from narcissistic wounds, I intentionally look for opportunities to share these new life skills with my children and grandchildren.

Each day brings with it much more than grief and healing from narcissistic trauma. Even though I allow for times of grieving, I also make time for friendships, walks, sips of warm tea, and reflections on the gift of life.

While finding my way out of the haze of narcissistic abuse, I have sought pillar people who are non-judgmental, good listeners, empathetic, and willing to speak truth when needed. As I continue this journey of growth and healing, I pray that God will also instill these qualities within me for others.

Yet, closer examination of the parable reveals that the widow asks for protection and justice—a very different request from mine. When the cry of my heart pivoted from changing the heart of the narcissist to providing for my protection and rescue, God acted quickly.

Accepting that each layer will reveal new icks that require the work of emotional processing, grieving, and releasing them into God’s hands felt overwhelming. I left the counseling office discouraged. Once again life required me to face it as it was rather than as I thought or hoped it to be. Healing after a narcissistic relationship.

Based upon what I know is true about God, I realize my primary question for God, “Why did You let me marry a narcissist?” contradicts my belief in God’s sovereignty and His gift of free will.

Based upon what I know is true about God, I realize my primary question for God, “Why did You let me marry a narcissist?” contradicts my belief in God’s sovereignty and His gift of free will.

By the time my narcissistic spouse said, “I don’t love you” for the third time, I concluded, “I must learn to manage a home and finish raising the children without his love—since that must be all God has for me, a loveless marriage.”

A church marquee posted in bold black letters, “Genuine love expects nothing in return.” Collections of blanket statements like this contributed to my on-going and imbalanced giving, loving, sacrificing, and forgiving of my narcissistic spouse, while expecting nothing in return.

God’s reassuring promise offers comfort for me today. Yet, I wonder how God can reclaim the decades of my life lost to the futile efforts of repairing a narcissistic relationship.

Establishing and maintaining my boundaries with a narcissist simply felt too exhausting and emotionally draining. God used that pastor’s words to reveal to me where He was working in my life. I instantly knew it was time to stop complaining, to get up, and to stand firm within my boundaries!

Navigating my way out of a trigger response to narcissistic bullying. Meditation on this promised provision, wise counsel, relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, and peaceful background music helped bring me out of hypervigilance and back to the feeling of safety. I found my hiding place in God.