Two forces tussle in my mind: 1) the emotional demands of healing from the psychological wounding of a narcissistic relationship, and 2) the encroaching demands of assuming care-giving responsibilities for a family member.

My optimism faded, drained by long-term stress from my inability to please my narcissistic spouse. I ached for joy to rescue me, but, instead, I entered a season of deep grief. During that period of grieving, I was surprised to discover brief moments of joy breaking through in unexpected ways.   

my narcissist spouse failed to care about the muddied emotional water the children and I often drank—the aftermath of his narcissistic entitlement, his need for validation, and his search for narcissistic supply.

A mirage of a functioning family rather than something that truly existed. The dizzying images were only reflections of an emotionally numb woman robotically moving throughout the rooms of her home and the days of her life. Now creativity, spontaneity, and laughter now grace my days.

I stopped counting the times my heart splintered, emotionally fragmented by narcissistic wounding. Curling up under a fluffy blanket with Coco, my Chihuahua, I created a soft-landing place for my heart and for my tears.

I naively placed my trust in an untrustworthy narcissist. Seeking and failing to receive love, emotional support, and commitment from my narcissistic spouse shattered my false assumption.

Jesus provides multiple forms of sight, both physical blindness as well as blindness due to denial. Reflection allows me to identify when I failed to see as I navigated the rough terrain of a narcissistic relationship.

After setting new boundaries with my narcissistic ex., instead of feeling emotionally safe and confident in my newly-achieved self-care skills, I struggled with guilt. Rather than standing taller, I felt cruel. I was able to begin unraveling my internal confusion only after  I identified this emotional conflict as a “moral injury*”.

I have learned that healing from narcissistic abuse requires seeing clearly rather than applying religious concepts to deny increasingly painful realities. Truthfully acknowledging each new reality allows me to experience the comforting and compassionate presence of the Lord Jesus Christ, even amid the pain.

Why did I tolerate these God-dishonoring behaviors? Was I honoring the relationship above honoring God? Why did I compromise my values and silence my opinions? Turning over the housekeeping of my mind to God’s Holy Spirit to guide the process of decoding my experiences and clarifying truth requires courage.

During the following years of marriage, I experienced the reality of Jeremiah’s words, “The heart is deceitful above all things…” (Jeremiah 17:9). I resorted to multiple defense mechanisms for coping—denial, rationalization, deflection, and minimization.

The moon’s brilliance currently accompanies me through lonely and restless evenings as I await the sweet release of sleep. Full moons shine through an upper window reminding me, as in previous seasons of life, God will faithfully guide me through this unexpected new one.

“There is no need to be shocked by a cloaked narcissist. They are skilled at deception. I imagine there will be more encounters with such people in the future. Be kind to yourself and thankful for knowing how to emotionally regroup as quickly as you did.”

I remember asking a counselor about the possibility of “bulk grieving.” I wanted to list my losses, grieve them simultaneously, and get on with my life. I wilted at her reply, “Bulk grieving is not effective. You must grieve each loss separately.”

I wilted under the stifling defeat of attempting to effectively communicate with my narcissistic spouse. My confusion clouded my realization that friends only saw the fabricated image he presented.

my journey of recovery from a toxic narcissistic relationship consistently requires its own type of moral courage as I choose my words, evaluate my actions, and intentionally live with integrity.

Hope in God’s mercy offered the very thing I clung to during the increasing distress of my narcissistic relationship.

Ongoing contact with a narcissist produced toxic waste within me: dis-ease, false guilt, a sense of failure, distress over not measuring up, anxiety, and depression.

I felt helpless in knowing how to respond to the narcissist’s disdain and devaluing comments. His words and his emotional isolation amplified my feeling of powerlessness. Powerlessness eventually led me to despair.

I yearn for the same closure in my goodbye to the narcissist. Yet, I accept that closure with a narcissist is a gift they are incapable of giving.

Escaping the cycle of abuse of a long-term narcissistic relationship requires me to navigate swirls of raw emotions.

My experience of narcissistic abuse resulted in a similar loss of confidence in my point of view. I also lost confidence in identifying and asking for what I needed in the relationship.

I sink in frustration when I try to understand the prosperity of the unrighteous. God's Word reminds me, though, that those who prosper with evil intent are "a dream," "a fantasy on slippery ground" (vs. 16-18, 20). I also realize that only God’s grace has the power to set me free from my embitterment and bring my thoughts into the light of His truth. Only there can I find rest and peace.

I consistently challenged one constraint each time I attempted to change the heart of my narcissistic spouse. Year after year, I prayed, adapted, counseled, worked on communication skills, and assumed more responsibilities. And yet, striving to accomplish something outside of my control drove me to exhaustion as well as despair.