my journey of recovery from a toxic narcissistic relationship consistently requires its own type of moral courage as I choose my words, evaluate my actions, and intentionally live with integrity.

Hope in God’s mercy offered the very thing I clung to during the increasing distress of my narcissistic relationship.

Ongoing contact with a narcissist produced toxic waste within me: dis-ease, false guilt, a sense of failure, distress over not measuring up, anxiety, and depression.

I felt helpless in knowing how to respond to the narcissist’s disdain and devaluing comments. His words and his emotional isolation amplified my feeling of powerlessness. Powerlessness eventually led me to despair.

I yearn for the same closure in my goodbye to the narcissist. Yet, I accept that closure with a narcissist is a gift they are incapable of giving.

Escaping the cycle of abuse of a long-term narcissistic relationship requires me to navigate swirls of raw emotions.

My experience of narcissistic abuse resulted in a similar loss of confidence in my point of view. I also lost confidence in identifying and asking for what I needed in the relationship.

I sink in frustration when I try to understand the prosperity of the unrighteous. God's Word reminds me, though, that those who prosper with evil intent are "a dream," "a fantasy on slippery ground" (vs. 16-18, 20). I also realize that only God’s grace has the power to set me free from my embitterment and bring my thoughts into the light of His truth. Only there can I find rest and peace.

I consistently challenged one constraint each time I attempted to change the heart of my narcissistic spouse. Year after year, I prayed, adapted, counseled, worked on communication skills, and assumed more responsibilities. And yet, striving to accomplish something outside of my control drove me to exhaustion as well as despair.

I realized the damaging significance of religious narcissists when Jesus chose that topic for His last public teaching before His crucifixion.

I discovered I pursued a short-sighted goal. When I seek victory for the next step in narcissistic abuse healing, God wants to accomplish more. He desires to heal, as well as to grow me spiritually, preparing me for eternity with Him.

The process of stepping out of the cycle of abuse in the relationship required identifying the pattern, letting go of my expectations, and releasing it all. The budding new life that followed the completion of this death march surprised me.

wordless prayers continued most prominently, though, during my marriage to a narcissist. When I brought my aching soul to the Lord, I often just wept in God’s presence because I lacked the words to describe the wounding experience.

My journey of healing from narcissistic abuse. Others recalling happy memories - I was there also—planning, packing, cleaning up, smoothing things over, and hiding the hardships I bore in silence. I have since learned, though, that emotional health requires recalling the bad times as well as the good.

My journey of healing from narcissistic abuse. God reshaped and "circumcised" my heart from the callouses formed by a lifetime of narcissistic distortions and The exhausting effort of trying to emotionally connect with a narcissistic father and eventually husband.

My journey of healing from narcissistic abuse. I failed to understand that in a narcissistic relationship, my efforts would always continue to fall short.

My journey of healing from narcissistic abuse. The path reminded me of my fears of the future as I walked away from all things familiar.

While enduring a narcissistic relationship I was prayed for wisdom and for God to show me His will in this situation and not my own.

While enduring a narcissistic relationship I was confidently envisioning God’s breastplate protecting my heart and my mind protects me from the temptation to retaliate in anger. This spiritual truth now strengthens me to stand firm and confident in who I am in Christ.

The highs and lows in this healing journey from a narcissistic relationship often heighten my desire for someone to hold my hand, especially on the days when I feel I have lost my way. When that happens, I often gently clasp my own hands and envision the spiritual reality that God lovingly and securely holds them as He leads me along this path of life.

The old testament individuals looked forward in faith to what God would ultimately accomplish through the promised Messiah. I revel in the fulfillment of their faith—salvation through the sacrifice of God’s Son, Jesus Christ. God’s covenant promise that fueled their faith is now a vital part of my story.

When emotional and psychological weariness weaken my courage to face reality, make decisions, and take steps of action, I remember God’s grace and strength. I offer silent prayers of, “Father, give me strength and focus to see what I need to see, to understand what I need to understand, and to accomplish what I need to accomplish today.”

Much of my tolerance of narcissistic abuse resulted from my incomplete understanding of Paul’s teaching on submission. I failed, though, to apply the biblical principles that preceded and followed Paul’s teaching.

Jesus knew of my slow spiral into emotional paralysis during decades of a stunting disorder—narcissistic abuse syndrome*. Healing required designated times for reflection, insight, education, and counseling along with a determination to pick up my emotional mat and walk—to grow, to change, and to engage with life differently.