After setting new boundaries with my narcissistic ex., instead of feeling emotionally safe and confident in my newly-achieved self-care skills, I struggled with guilt. Rather than standing taller, I felt cruel. I was able to begin unraveling my internal confusion only after  I identified this emotional conflict as a “moral injury*”.

I have learned that healing from narcissistic abuse requires seeing clearly rather than applying religious concepts to deny increasingly painful realities. Truthfully acknowledging each new reality allows me to experience the comforting and compassionate presence of the Lord Jesus Christ, even amid the pain.

Why did I tolerate these God-dishonoring behaviors? Was I honoring the relationship above honoring God? Why did I compromise my values and silence my opinions? Turning over the housekeeping of my mind to God’s Holy Spirit to guide the process of decoding my experiences and clarifying truth requires courage.

During the following years of marriage, I experienced the reality of Jeremiah’s words, “The heart is deceitful above all things…” (Jeremiah 17:9). I resorted to multiple defense mechanisms for coping—denial, rationalization, deflection, and minimization.

The moon’s brilliance currently accompanies me through lonely and restless evenings as I await the sweet release of sleep. Full moons shine through an upper window reminding me, as in previous seasons of life, God will faithfully guide me through this unexpected new one.

“There is no need to be shocked by a cloaked narcissist. They are skilled at deception. I imagine there will be more encounters with such people in the future. Be kind to yourself and thankful for knowing how to emotionally regroup as quickly as you did.”

I remember asking a counselor about the possibility of “bulk grieving.” I wanted to list my losses, grieve them simultaneously, and get on with my life. I wilted at her reply, “Bulk grieving is not effective. You must grieve each loss separately.”

I wilted under the stifling defeat of attempting to effectively communicate with my narcissistic spouse. My confusion clouded my realization that friends only saw the fabricated image he presented.

my journey of recovery from a toxic narcissistic relationship consistently requires its own type of moral courage as I choose my words, evaluate my actions, and intentionally live with integrity.

Hope in God’s mercy offered the very thing I clung to during the increasing distress of my narcissistic relationship.

Ongoing contact with a narcissist produced toxic waste within me: dis-ease, false guilt, a sense of failure, distress over not measuring up, anxiety, and depression.

I felt helpless in knowing how to respond to the narcissist’s disdain and devaluing comments. His words and his emotional isolation amplified my feeling of powerlessness. Powerlessness eventually led me to despair.

I yearn for the same closure in my goodbye to the narcissist. Yet, I accept that closure with a narcissist is a gift they are incapable of giving.

Escaping the cycle of abuse of a long-term narcissistic relationship requires me to navigate swirls of raw emotions.

My experience of narcissistic abuse resulted in a similar loss of confidence in my point of view. I also lost confidence in identifying and asking for what I needed in the relationship.

I sink in frustration when I try to understand the prosperity of the unrighteous. God's Word reminds me, though, that those who prosper with evil intent are "a dream," "a fantasy on slippery ground" (vs. 16-18, 20). I also realize that only God’s grace has the power to set me free from my embitterment and bring my thoughts into the light of His truth. Only there can I find rest and peace.

I consistently challenged one constraint each time I attempted to change the heart of my narcissistic spouse. Year after year, I prayed, adapted, counseled, worked on communication skills, and assumed more responsibilities. And yet, striving to accomplish something outside of my control drove me to exhaustion as well as despair.

I realized the damaging significance of religious narcissists when Jesus chose that topic for His last public teaching before His crucifixion.

I discovered I pursued a short-sighted goal. When I seek victory for the next step in narcissistic abuse healing, God wants to accomplish more. He desires to heal, as well as to grow me spiritually, preparing me for eternity with Him.

The process of stepping out of the cycle of abuse in the relationship required identifying the pattern, letting go of my expectations, and releasing it all. The budding new life that followed the completion of this death march surprised me.

wordless prayers continued most prominently, though, during my marriage to a narcissist. When I brought my aching soul to the Lord, I often just wept in God’s presence because I lacked the words to describe the wounding experience.

My journey of healing from narcissistic abuse. Others recalling happy memories - I was there also—planning, packing, cleaning up, smoothing things over, and hiding the hardships I bore in silence. I have since learned, though, that emotional health requires recalling the bad times as well as the good.

My journey of healing from narcissistic abuse. God reshaped and "circumcised" my heart from the callouses formed by a lifetime of narcissistic distortions and The exhausting effort of trying to emotionally connect with a narcissistic father and eventually husband.

My journey of healing from narcissistic abuse. I failed to understand that in a narcissistic relationship, my efforts would always continue to fall short.