Longings

As the deer pants for streams of water,

so my soul pants for You, O God.

Psalm 41:1

One by one, I discover new words for identifying specific types of wounding from my narcissistic relationship. As my list grows, so does my desire to address and seek healing for each one.  

An undercurrent of longing flows through most of the wounds. Some, like the unmet need for emotional attachment, go all the way back to my childhood inability to attach to my narcissistic father.   

Focusing on the unpredictable needs of a narcissistic spouse distracted me from identifying many of these accumulating needs. I lost touch with myself. Asking questions such as “What am I feeling?” and “What do I need to do to take care of myself?” found no answers. The few times I identified a need and asked for it to be met, I created new vulnerabilities easily targeted by the narcissist.

What I seek above all else, tranquility for my soul, is only found in my relationship with God. The psalmist describes my seeking with an image from nature, As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for You, O God (Psalm 41:1). My soul pants for You, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God (Psalm 42:1-2).

Directing my thoughts and prayers toward what truly satisfies, the living Lord, calms my yearning and quenches my thirsty heart.  

Dear Father, You are my true Father and Creator of my life, my heart, and my needs. Thank You that when others fail, You remain steadfast in answering the cries of my heart. Thank You for creating this thirst for seeking You and for Your eagerness to respond to my deepest longings. In the name of Your Son, Jesus, I pray, amen.

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