Damaged Trust

“The heart is deceitful above all things….”

Jeremiah 17:9

The on-going revelations birthed from years of a narcissist’s deceit still surprise and wound me. They also impact my willingness to trust, including trusting myself to accurately discern God’s guidance. After all, I sought and trusted God’s guidance when I first accepted his proposal.

During the following years of marriage, I experienced the reality of Jeremiah’s words, “The heart is deceitful above all things…” (Jeremiah 17:9). I resorted to multiple defense mechanisms for coping—denial, rationalization, deflection, and minimization.

Denial allowed me to ignore what I experienced. It also deceived me into disregarding what my intuition revealed about my relationship.

Rationalization supported my belief that outside stressors like work, finances, or childhood wounds influenced his toxic behaviors.

Deflection allowed me to divert attention away from his behaviors to other topics that seemed more urgent.

Minimization concluded that things were not that bad and that others had it far worse.

Learning about narcissistic abuse, abandoning defense mechanisms, and trusting my instincts, provide crucial skills for rebuilding my ability to trust God’s guidance. They also equip me for re-engaging with the people around me, the very ones Jesus loves and died for.

Thankfully, my heart is also wiser and less deceptive, especially when I ask the Lord to “search me and know my heart; … and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23-24).

Father, thank You for exposing the ways my heart deceived me and for sharing the emotional pain of that process. By faith, I trust Your continued leading on this journey of life. In the name of Your all-knowing and trust-worthy Son, Jesus, I pray, amen.

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